Thursday, July 1, 2021

HOPE | hope through infertility

 It's another cycle day 1 for me. When the world feels like it's crushing. When ever thing else around me feels like it's moving on and I am stuck in this awful dream I wish I could get out of. It’s always such a weird day, the whole infertility journey is so weird. Because it’s this huge grief you have in your life, but unlike mourning the death of a person that people can somewhat relate to and understand your pain, infertility is something that yes lots of women go through, but it’s still something so many people can’t relate to, which makes you feel very isolated. 



But the one thing I hold on to is hope. Hope that someday I get to hold my sweet baby, hope that one day we will get to announce and celebrate with family and friends our wonderful news, hope that I get to see my husband become a dad, hope that I will finally get to be called mom, hope that the one thing in life I really wanted will come true.




Sometimes I wonder if the hope I have makes things worse, when cycle day 1 comes I think what if I didn't hope for it so much, would hoping less make the pain less. But I don't think that's true, because for me the hope still brings me so much joy, thinking of all the things that will come. Even through this last year of hell I am still joyful of the hope of one day. 



Sure I HOPE and pray that the day comes sooner rather than later, because sometimes I am not sure how much longer I can keep trying, there are a lot of angry moments that I am like WHY ME GOD, WHY did you give me this desire to just put me through all this pain. And a lot of times it just feels unbearable. 


Last 4th of July was the first month that I REALLY felt the weight of trying and it not happening, it was the first month that I cried when my cycle started again which meant we wouldn't get to celebrate the news of a baby. But in my naive thoughts I thought SURELY by next year at this time we will have a baby or a baby on the way, and here we are a year later in more pain and frustration then I can imagine. 

I don’t know what the next year is going to look like, and I still have hope that in 2022 we will have our baby.


We finally made the decision after over a year and half of trying to go to a fertility doctor. When we first started trying and things weren’t happening the idea of having to go to a fertility doctor seemed so scary. But now after so much time, I wouldn’t say excited, but I am happy that we have this plan to hopefully get to the end goal of having our baby! Because 1 sweet baby is all we need! 


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