Sunday, June 6, 2021

The emotions of going through infertility & some updates.

 The emotional journey that this year+ has been is something I would never wish on anyone. Even with being very open about the struggles we are having, it still is a very lonely journey. I think because it is such a private thing, and can be so hard to talk about, people want to respect that. But for me its this over consuming thing in my life and so when it's never talked about I kinda feel like this double life I am living.

And sometimes I feel like a broken record complaining even to my husband or closest friend because every month it's like here it is again another negative test. And I have a day or two that is REALLY hard, and then I pick myself back up because you have to get back in the head game of trying again.

It really is a weird string of emotions. And honestly I feel pretty lucky that most of the time I am in a good place with my emotions, but sometimes I don't know when the hard day is going to come, and something happens or a thought pass through and I have those hard moments. And sometimes the most frustrating part is not knowing when they are going to come and they literally come out of know where!! And I am tired of being sad.

Along with the sadness that happens, there's also a lot of anger. Angry that this is my story, that I have lost the chance of taking a pregnancy test and being hopeful, that I have to put this wall up when I see someone announce they are having a baby, that friends have to be extra sensitive talking about their pregnancy or someone they know pregnancy, and angry that there is still so much unknown of what this path is going to look like, and honestly so much more. And I am tired of being angry.

 BUT we did find out some good news from testing, where before  some numbers weren't great, they have now gotten better from taking medication, which is great.... But with that there's this like high hope that maybe this was it and will happen, and it didn't....and it's almost harder sometimes to be given those little hopeful things, because when it doesn't happen...again. It just kinda feels a little harder.  And I am tired of being hopeful and then being crushed.

But we have given ourselves a time frame that if it doesn't happen by xyz then we will move on to get some more help, which my love to plan it all out personality feels a lot better with a "plan". 




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