Saturday, April 24, 2021

The waiting during our infertility journey.

Oh the waiting. Let me just be completely honest here and tell you the waiting you go through while trying to have a baby is such a mind fuck. Sorry for my langue but it really is. I wish I could tell you I have handled the waiting with grace and peace, but I haven't. I have felt a lot of anger towards the universe, towards God, to all things bigger than me. There has been a lot of questions of WHY. 

And the thing is, there is just so much waiting. Waiting for ovulation, then waiting to see if your period is going to show up, waiting to see the doctor to ask questions, waiting to see if medication will work, waiting on more test and more meds. And during this waiting you are constantly going through there is so many waves of emotions. Some days I truly feel okay, like I know no matter what happens I will be a mom someday, it might look different then what I thought (which I feel like going down that path of thinking is a whole different story line), but it feels okay. Other days there is a lot of deep emotions of anger and hurt and wishing this wasn't my story or pain.

And sometimes the hardest part is not knowing how I am going to feel in a day, or when I see someone else announcing they are having a baby, some days I feel happy and joyful for that person, even though I wish it was me, it feels okay. But other days it feels like I got punched in the gut and can't move on with my day. 

And sometimes I just need a break, so this last month we did just that and we didn't try. I feel like this isn't something women who are going down this journey talk about a lot. And if you haven't been down this path before you might not understand the reason for needing a break, and I honestly it made me feel so guilty, like "Sara why are you wasting a whole month, a whole cycle, isn't this what you REALLY want?!?" But the thing is EVERY month for the last 13 months EVERY month as the days lead up to my period I have to go through this cycle of being positive, hoping for the thing I really want, sometime REALLY thinking this is our month, to then be COMPLETELY crushed when it doesn't happen. And I am starting to have a little PTSD every month. So I needed a break. I needed to not even have the chance to think maybe it could happen, because having even just a little bit of hope can feel so crushing. 

So even though through it, it was kinda hard. I had two weeks where I felt more like myself then I had in months. And my period came and it just felt normal. I was sad and depressed. I mean I had my period so it was GREAT, lol. But it wasn't those feelings of being disappointed and sad. 

We are stilling in this waiting phase of waiting on more test and seeing what our next steps should be after we wait on test. I wish I had more answers, or I wish I could just snap my fingers and this journey was over for us. But that is not the case so we just wait......

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