I will be honest I was really scared of how I was going to feel this holiday season, in a season where I have felt a lot of heart break and loss, and the one thing I REALLY want isn't coming true this holiday season.
BUT I feel so grateful right now, grateful might seem like a weird feeling to feel when for 20 months I have been reminded of loss after loss, and trying again with more loss.
But during this break we have been on, I found myself again, I found so much peace with where we are at. This journey has not been easy and for months I felt like a shell of myself and worried I would never feel the same again. And parts of me won't ever be the same, because going through something like this changes you. But I am feeling so GREAT and at peace. I was talking to a friend the other day about her infertility and she felt bad for complaining to me about her infertility because they haven't been trying as long as we have, and it's weird to feel so far out from where we started and yet feel so much better. Those first few months of trying and failed cycle after cycle are sooooo hard, and if you are in that place right now, it's weird to say, even without a baby still, things get better.... for me it's that I found peace with how our journey is going. Do I love that we have had to spend THOUSANDS of dollars to try and get pregnant...NO...do I love that we will never have that first surprise pregnancy with all the fun surprises...NO... am I grateful for science that will hopefully be getting us pregnant... YES!
As soon as I finally said yes to our IVF journey there was this wave of peace that came over me, like this was suppose to be this way, and right now I don't know why that is. I don't know why so much pain had to happen to get us to this point of peace. But I am still weirdly grateful for this place we are in.
I am grateful for the connections I have made because of this journey, I am grateful for the support of so many friends and family, I am grateful for a husband that supports my biggest desires.
For years I have picked a word for the year, and 2021 was HOPE. And there was a lot of hope, and a lot of pain that went with that hope. But I know that, that hope brought us here to PEACE. So for 2022 my word for the year is peace. I know we could have a long road still in front of us, but I pray that with each step we continue to have an abundant amount of peace through this journey.
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