Infertility During the Holidays

First off I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has given to our Gofundme for Baby Sears! Every little bit helps in this journey and we are so grateful for the outpouring of love and support! 

 

 

But I won't lie, even feeling the best I have felt all year, maybe since we started this journey, going through infertility during the Holidays is so hard. There are just so many reminders of what we are missing/wanting. I mean the christmas songs alone are so triggering....All I want for christmas, Wish you were here this Christmas, ect ect... 

I was thinking back to last christmas this morning, and it's weird to think that being a year out from that and still not pregnant nor have a baby, I am grateful that I am in a better place mentally than I was last Christmas. Last Christmas I think we were still pretty hush hush about our journey, I might have mentioned it a little, and our close group of friends and some family knew. But for the most part it felt like I was carrying the weight of it all on my own, and it felt like I was living these two lives, the life of trying to have a baby EVERY month and hiding all those feelings, to trying to be happy and not let everyone know the PAIN I was in every month. I was also was holding on to SO MUCH HOPE that we would get a Christmas Miracle and get to share that with Family on Christmas. And of course when that didn't happen, and I knew for sure a few days before Christmas, and it was so hard. 

So this break around the holidays has been the best thing for me, because while Hope is wonderful, month after month of having such high hope to be crushed by the disappointment of it all is something I can't even explain, I think the pain of that isn't talked about a lot. You know people talk about pregnancy loss, and not being able to get pregnant, but the true grief EVERY MONTH of it not happening is truly unbearable sometimes.

And I share my story because there's so many women out there that are going through this, that choose to keep things private, but I know they are suffering so much. And I know personally, just hearing someone else's story about how hard it was for them, made me realize that, okay yes my feelings are very valid! I think as women we want to be strong and say we can do it all! But when you are faced with this journey it's not meant for you to have to carry all the pain and weight, so even if you aren't ready to share with the world, reach out to someone and ask for help. 

I started therapy a few months ago, because this journey is very traumatic, and I knew even if I got pregnant the day I started therapy there was a LOT of trauma I needed to process and talk through to be the best someday Mom I could be. But taking those steps wasn't easy, saying I needed help wasn't easy! But I have learned this about myself through this process that I can only take a one step in front of the other, one step at a time, because with each step you make you don't know how you are going to feel. So when the steps feel like they are getting harder, get some help, or even before they get to that point, 

THE BEST GIFT I GAVE MYSELF THIS YEAR WAS THERAPY! No joke about it. 

I know I still have a lot of hard days ahead of me through the holidays, but I also know I have been through hell and back this year, and have survived. And it wasn't always easy or painless, but I know I can make it through hard things. But that doesn't mean it's easy....